scaredy cat

i'm afraid. i don't fear the darkness. i don't fear the sunlight. i fear other people. i fear myself. i fear the potential i have for self-destruction. the potential for lies and more lies. the fear that i will swallow myself whole and all that will be left is a stain on the floor.

i learned early to depend on no one. trust no one. hide the true self behind a mask of contentment. be the 'good girl'. my dark thoughts corner me unaware at times. they sneak up behind me like evil slayers in the horror movies that make the audience jump with their surprise attacks. i never liked those kind of movies.

i don't feel real. i think i've played this part before in some other lifetime. sometimes the deja-vu is overwhelming. i hope i'm doing better this time. the next time i would like to get it right. days get long and i get tired trying to remember the script.

i see other people who appear to be as befuddled as i. they go from day to day hiding their fears. masking their disappointments. trying to be the best they can be with what they have to work with. you can ask them if they're happy. they'll lie. we all lie.

in that still corner of my mind i wait. for what? i can't say. something to change? something to shock me out of this fugue? i've done that. i don't recommend it. still, i wait. the silence between heartbeats is deafening. the beats telling me the body is still alive, even if the spirit isn't.

angels. demons. are they really very much different? i need some hope.