regret

a friend asked recently if i had regrets. too many to count, i replied. then i began thinking about them. i regret that my children had to live with the blowback of my abuse - it might have saved them having to grow up too soon. i regret that i didn't tell my husband what he was getting into before i married him - it might have saved him a lot of pain. i regret that i never reported the rape - i hope no other woman had to go through what i did. i regret that i had an abortion - i pray i'll get to meet my little boy some day and be able to tell him how much i loved him. i regret that i never got to know my mother - few photographs and glances in the mirror at a woman who is supposed to look just like her is not enough. i regret that i couldn't keep myself from falling into the abyss. the abyss is always there. i've just learned you can climb out.

i don't regret marrying my first husband. yes, we were young and stupid and i married him for all the wrong reasons. marrying him gave me my two oldest children who are two of the stars that circle my moon. whatever we went through in our short time together, i will never regret having them.

i don't regret yelling at my husband's father as he lay on the hospital table awaiting an angiogram and wanting to die, "you can't die. you have grandchildren who want to know their grandfather." he lived a few years longer and they got to know him well - as did i. he was a wonderful man.

i don't regret taking a chance on love when i told myself i was never getting involved again, most certainly never getting married or having more children. i went on to marry the love of my life and had two more of the most beautiful children in the universe...inside and out. two more stars in my sky.

i don't regret the decision not to take the pills that i'd saved for weeks - sneaking them out of my mother's stash of valium. i flushed them before i could change my mind.

i don't regret chosing life.
i don't regret chosing this life.