getting sticky

she had always been a computer geek, even before it was fashionable. from early days of commodore 64 and moving up to a 128, she thought her calling had been answered with the first pc. then came modems and bulletin boards and games. then came aol. then came aol chatrooms.

she was addicted. people laughed. they couldn't understand how somene could sit alone in a dark room for hours typing words on a computer screen and reading the sordid tales coming across in the darkness. she poured out her soul, telling of her pain and lonliness... her inability to meet people in the real world who could be as honest with their feelings as the people she was meeting online. she felt comfortable in this new world. she didn't have to worry about what impression she would make or if she would stutter or stumble trying to get the words out. she could be witty and fun and pretty and wise.

she could be sexy. a vixen. a woman a man would desire enough to want to leave his wife for. it wasn't all good. she loved her partner and didn't want him to hurt. she didn't know how to get what she wanted without hurting him. it was just the computer, wasn't it? it wasn't like she was seeing someone in person. these people weren't real. this affair wasn't real. it couldn't be. it was like writing a story only the characters were alive and talked back to her. virtual reality compassion.

she tried to explain to her partner that the people she'd met in this dark world were helping her to deal with her tradgedies. there were people in thie darkness that had suffered, too, and were able to relate to her sadness. he couldn't understand. to him it was just a box full of lies.

one night he saw someone signing off. they said 'i love you' to her... and she replied the same. he was deeply disturbed. how could you love someone you'd never met? did she want to meet them? did she want to have an affair? did she want to leave him? no, she replied, and meant it. they only had small pieces of her - he had her heart. she tried to explain how easy it was to offer love and compassion in the void, but he could only relate to the reality of her, sitting in front of him, fading away as though turning into a ghost of herself.

she put the computer away. she cancelled her account. she quit with the pulling of a plug. she mourned for the friendships in the darkness that she would never find again. she opened the blinds and let in the sun. she started to live again.