all the anger in the world

when i was young i thought all i had to do was escape my parents. i married my first love who turned out to be a good man until the frustrations of the world became too much for him. we had no money, we were young, we had a premature baby, the stress was enormous. it started out as a game, a big Bruce Lee fan, he had always made it a teasing thing to 'pretend' kung-foo fight me. he would slap me, gently, and in the beginning that's all it would be. it would end in kisses and hugs and laughing. then as the stress got to be too much the slaps wouldn't be so gentle and the kisses and hugs and laughing disappeared and the bruises began showing up on my arms. i would wear long sleeves in the summer so no one would see. there was no one to see anyway as we weren't talking to my parents at the time.

later it became obvious that he was becoming jealous of me. i was young and tall and thin and had breasts grown by childbirth and dark hair and high cheekbones. i was told i had eyes that held a gaze until it wouldn't let go. i never realized how beautiful i really was until i wasn't anymore.

i would talk to his friends and his friends would talk to me. he accused me of flirting. we went camping one weekend when his parents watched the baby and he passed out after two beers - never one to hold his liquor. i spent the night talking to one of his best friends about his lost love that he was trying to win back. the next morning all everyone could talk about was how he and i sat up all night talking. my husband was never the same after that. he wouldn't trust me. i became untrustworthy.

we decided after a long period and another child that we weren't going to make it. we had no money, nowhere to go, no one else to turn to. we were our own best friends but should never have married. we decided we'd share the apartment, the children, and the responsibilities, but no longer the marriage bed. we'd live separate lives and let the chips fall where they may.

i didn't know how lonely it could be.

i met someone through his best friend. he was a shit. i met another person through him and went on a 'blind date'. this man seemed well groomed, responsible, nice, and we seemed to hit it off right away. he took me to dinner and said goodnight - the perfect gentleman.

we went out another time. learned a bit more about each other. meeting in public places.

we went out again and he asked me to go back to his house. he just wanted to show it to me, he said. i was foolish and naive. i agreed. i left my car at the restaurant. i've never been good about being able to keep track of where i'm at when i'm riding in a car - only if i'm driving can i pay close enough attention to get back to the place i started, or if i have a map. this time was no different. it was dark and i was lost.

he pulled into the drive of a middleclass neighborhood. well-kept, clean. he unlocked the door and led me inside. there was no furniture in the livingroom - he told me he'd just moved in and hadn't gotten much yet. he started to show me around, the kitchen, the basement rec-room. i turned, to go back up the stairs, and a hand went around my waist, another around my mouth. i was taken up the stairs and to the master bedroom. he laid me on the bed and told me i was going to be a 'good girl'. there were now two of them.

it was a long night. i began bleeding at one point and tried to convince him i was pregnant and i was worried i might be losing the baby. he let me go into the bathroom to clean up, but stayed just outside the open door. it was confusing. the were attacking me, raping me, but there was no yelling or hitting - they were talking in very calm voices as though they were discussing the weather. i prayed they'd let me go.

afterwards they took me in the kitchen and had me put my clothes back on. they discussed what they were going to do with me and gave me some soda. they tried to explain that i really had asked for it... i'd asked for it... i'd asked for it... it took me twenty years to get that out of my head.

they treated me like this had all been consensual. that i hadn't begged and pleaded and fought and cried. they took me out into the chill night air and drove me back to my car. he said he'd call me again. i got our phone number unlisted.

i started getting phone calls. i knew it was him. i had our number changed. i kept getting phone calls. i talked to the person who had given him my name in the first place. i found out he worked for the phone company. there was no place to hide. i had the phone disconnected.

we moved out of town a couple of months later. i never did go to the police. i never reported it to any authorities, never went to the doctor, never told my husband. after all, i'd asked for it.