hide the knives

i used to think i was nuts. i would ride around on the lawn mower, mowing our 5 acre lawn, and the entire time i was trying to think of the best way to leave my family. i would just think of getting in the car and driving as far as i could - not thinking of ever coming back. i'm sure my family may have missed me and i probably would have missed them, but at the time i saw no downside to the trip. these dark thoughts filled most of my waking moments, but not every day.

i finally got to the point i went to the doctor to see if i was going crazy. this was in the 80's when pms wasn't really very talked about and people were just starting to figure out this may be why crazy great-aunt anne was really crazy. the doctor didn't ask me specific questions, just basically let me talk and tell him what was going on with me.

after we concluded our conversation and he'd given me a physical, he suggested that I should start taking some estrogen to try and level out my moods. unfortunately, they didn't have specific dosages, so it was going to be a trial and error type of thing.

the doctor verified that i did, indeed, have pms. he told me there were three levels: the first is where the woman/wife kills her husband and has no clue she's done it. the second is where she gets the knife, wants to kill him, but stops herself. The third is the mildest where she just wants to kill him but doesn't go for a weapon. he told me i was the second type.

from that day forward, my wise husband began not to ask me if it was 'that time of the month' or 'are you pms-ing?'... but rather, 'is it time to hide the knives?' he got a much better response that way.

i found the estrogen made me a zombie. it just made me lethargic. i finally asked my husband if he would rather have me bitchy or a zombie and he agreed the bitch was much better - at least he was familiar with her and knew what to expect. gotcha.

i have a sneaking suspicion my condition contributed to my first marriage sinking. i'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with the terrible mood swings i had in the early days of my second marriage. i'm very grateful that my husband is such a patient man and knew it was going to be a long haul, but he's here. i'm much better now.