fall

the air is just cold enough to make her nose run. the jeans and flannel shirt she ran out of the house in is not enough to keep the shiver from coming up her spine. she runs past the neighborhood houses with their warm lights and the dinner tables full of food. their fireplaces leave a smoky trail in the night sky that blows down into the streets where she can smell them. the wood smoke has always smelled inviting. it isn't inviting to her. not now. not at this moment.
the tears that won't stop drip onto her chin. she wipes at them with her sleeve, ignoring the mascara smear they leave. her throat closes with the lump of pain she can't scream out. she slows to a walk. she stops. she stands on the sidewalk in the shadow between streetlamps. frozen in place by indecision.

her mind spins. she is alone. she is afraid. she can't go to her parents. they haven't spoken since she left. her friends don't know her. they don't know the truth. they don't know what her life is really like. she can't go home. he is there. he is angry. he is waiting.

fall used to be her favorite.
he used to be her love.
everthing changes.

friend

he is a good man, the husband. back before he was the husband she was cautious. she was skittish. she hadn't learned to trust. she felt something different with him, but wasn't sure it was real. she couldn't believe something so good could come her way.

he asked her to come live with him, back then. he asked her to bring her two children and leave the man she was married to. he asked her to be safe. with him. she was scared. hopeful, but scared. she wanted to protect her children. she needed to be sure.

she asked the man she was married to if he could keep the children. for a little while. just until she could get settled in the new town. get a job. find a place to live. for her. for the children. he agreed.

she moved to the new town. she lived with the man. he had a house. he had space. she began to trust. he had waited a long time. this was new. this was good. he began to believe this was really going to happen.

he took her out. she met his friends. they were curious. who was this woman who had come into his life so suddenly? where had she come from. he told them. they listened. they heard the part "she has two kids". they heard the part "she's going through a divorce". they knew he'd been alone a long time. they knew he was kind. they knew he was good. they thought him naive. they feared for him.

she and the man had been together a month. they went to the fair with his friends. they went to the beer tent. it was dark. it was crowded. they were separated. he was talking with friends. she was trying to be inconspicuous. one of his friends came up to her. said hi. started talking about where she was from. who she was. how she'd met the man. she was honest. she spoke from her heart. he leaned toward her. he spoke softly. she had to strain to hear.

he said "where are your kids".
he said "what kind of a mom leaves her kids".
he said "why aren't your kids with you".
he said "you are a horrible mom".

her head spins. the tears flow unchecked. she can't see him. she only hears him. she hears his voice. getting louder. harsher. meaner. the words spit out at her. she can't get away. there are people all around. she can't see her man. where is he now? is he near? can he hear this? if he can, why isn't he saying something. anything. stop this evil spewing all over her. flowing like icy rain. nothing but pain. no end in sight.

he says "don't hurt my friend".
he says "he doesn't know what he's doing".
he says "he doesn't know what you're like".
he says "he doesn't know you".
he says "don't take him away from us".

she says he's wrong. he's wrong. he's wrong. he doesn't know. he has no idea. she thinks it is love. she knows it is love. she loves. she loves him. she knows she does. she loves him. she loves her kids. she does. she does. more than life itself. she does.

she turns and somehow stumbles away. she hides in a dark corner. an hour. two. her man finally finds her. the others have gone. the night is ending. the nightmare continues.

a few months later the divorce is final. the custody battle has been resolved. she has her kids. the man is her new husband. there is peace. a tentative peace. peace on the outside.

the friend is on his second marriage. he has two children. he has been traveling. a hobby, not a job. he leaves his wife home. with the children. he hangs with the boys. he drinks. he cheats. he drinks more. he cheats more. now his wife cheats. again. and again. model family.

she wants to see him. she wants to hurt him. five years later he apologizes. five years too late. he still lives in a lie. she lives in a loving relationship. a caring man. a man who kicks himself for not knowing what was happening all those years ago in a tent at the fair. she accepts his apology, but she'll never forgive. it touched the guilt she already felt. he tore out her heart and stomped it to pulp. he, who was better than her. she. the bad mother.

him. the bad friend.